The Jerry Doll
by Pjazz
Summary: Jerry confronts himself in miniature. Kramer senses a business oportunity. George is humiliated on national tv and finds he's become a celebrity.


The Jerry Doll  
  
A Seinfeld fanfic by Pjazz  
  
INT. OUTSIDE JERRY'S DOOR.  
  
JERRY is bidding farewell to HELEN, his now ex-girlfriend. HELEN is in a strop. She is not taking rejection well.  
  
JERRY  
  
I hope we can still remain friends?  
  
HELEN  
  
Go to hell.  
  
JERRY  
  
Or maybe not.  
  
ELAINE, emerges from the elevator. HELEN boards. The doors close.  
  
ELAINE  
  
Well well. Another one bites the dust, huh. What was wrong with Helen? Teeth too big? Nostrils flare when she laughed? Did she paint each toenail a different colour?  
  
JERRY and ELAINE enter JERRY's apartment.  
  
JERRY  
  
She alphabetized my cereal.  
  
ELAINE  
  
What?  
  
JERRY  
  
My cereal boxes. She filed them A to Z on the shelf. Left to right. But get this - she put cornflakes under K.  
  
ELAINE  
  
K?  
  
JERRY  
  
For Kelloggs. Kelloggs cornflakes. From that point on the relationship was doomed.  
  
ELAINE  
  
Improper filing of comestables? C'mon, Jerry. That's a stretch even for you.  
  
GEORGE ENTERS. HE'S EATING FRUIT.  
  
GEORGE  
  
Hey.  
  
ELAINE  
  
Are you eating fruit?  
  
GEORGE  
  
It's a Kumquat.  
  
JERRY  
  
Kumquat? That's a fruit? I thought Kumquat was a small country in South America.  
  
GEORGE  
  
It's a fruit.  
  
ELAINE  
  
I've never tried Kumquat. What's it like?  
  
GEORGE  
  
Pithy.  
  
JERRY  
  
So it's bad?  
  
GEORGE  
  
No, pithy's good.  
  
JERRY  
  
No, pithy's bad. Everyone knows that.  
  
GEORGE  
  
Hey, are you the one eating it or me? I like pithy. Pithy's good.  
  
ELAINE  
  
I hate fruit with lots of pips. They get in your teeth. And I never know whether to spit the pips out or swallow 'em.  
  
JERRY  
  
So which is it, Elaine? Spit or swallow?  
  
ELAINE  
  
(SMIRKS KNOWINGLY) Wouldn't you like to know...  
  
GEORGE  
  
Hey, know what happened to me today? I'm Midtown. I see a nickel on the sidewalk. I bend down to pick it up. It's stuck down. No matter how hard I tried it wouldn't budge.  
  
JERRY  
  
You're picking nickels out of the gutter now?  
  
GEORGE  
  
Not the gutter. The sidewalk.  
  
ELAINE  
  
The Yankees aren't paying you enough you gotta pick up every last nickel?  
  
GEORGE  
  
You look after the nickels, Elaine, the dollars will look after themselves.  
  
JERRY  
  
Mebbe someone stuck it dowm as a joke.  
  
GEORGE  
  
Well it wasn't funny. I nearly ripped my fingernails off.  
  
ELAINE   
  
(OPENS PURSE. TOSSES GEORGE A DIME) There ya go, Donald Trump. A dime. Go crazy.  
  
***  
  
INT. MONKS.  
  
JERRY AND GEORGE.  
  
GEORGE  
  
You think there's nuts in this fudge sundae?  
  
JERRY  
  
It's a fudge sundae. It might have nuts, it might not. What d'you care?  
  
GEORGE  
  
I'm worried I might have a nut allergy.  
  
JERRY  
  
George, I've seen you eat 5 snickers bars, one after another. I think you're safe.  
  
GEORGE  
  
Just out of interest, if I started to turn blue would you give me mouth to mouth resuscitation?  
  
JERRY  
  
What d'you think?.  
  
GEORGE  
  
You see, that's why we're friends. We have a shared indifference to the others well being. Y'know, when I was 13 I learnt the Heimlich Manoeuvre.  
  
JERRY  
  
You? The Heimlich Manoeuvre?  
  
GEORGE  
  
I figured it was my best shot at putting my arms round a beautiful woman if she was choking to death.  
  
JERRY  
  
An ingenious plan.  
  
GEORGE  
  
But no beautiful woman ever started choking to death in my presence so it was all for nothing.  
  
JERRY  
  
Beautiful women can be so selfish.  
  
GEORGE  
  
A little aphyxsia one time, is all. But no. Never happened.  
  
RIA CARLLSON, a pretty blonde approaches JERRY. Think Sarah Wynter from 24.  
  
RIA  
  
Excuse me, are you Jerry Seinfeld?  
  
JERRY  
  
Yes, I am.  
  
RIA  
  
Hi. I'm Ria Carllson. I'm a really big fan of your work.  
  
JERRY  
  
Thank you. When did you see my act?  
  
RIA  
  
Oh I've never seen your act. I'm a psycho therapist.   
  
Several of your ex-girlfriends come to me for treatment.   
  
You're very lucrative. Here's my card. (LEAVES)  
  
JERRY  
  
(READS)' Dr Ria Carllson. Psychological therapy and analysis. 'How about that?  
  
GEORGE  
  
Y'know, for a shrink she's pretty hot.  
  
JERRY  
  
Very, very hot. And look, her card has her home phone number.  
  
***  
  
INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT.  
  
JERRY, ELAINE.  
  
ELAINE  
  
You're dating the therapist who treats your ex-girlfriends? Isn't that unethical?  
  
JERRY  
  
What ethics? I have ethics now?  
  
ELAINE  
  
Not you. Her. Doesn't it invalidate her hippocratic oath or something?  
  
JERRY  
  
I think that's for her patients. I'm not a patient.  
  
ELAINE  
  
But you're the reason they're seeing this shrink.  
  
JERRY  
  
True. Hey, you know who's in therapy? Sidra. Remember Sidra?  
  
ELAINE  
  
Sidra? Oh ye-ah. Miss Plastic-fantastic. Boy, is she still mad at you?  
  
JERRY  
  
Uh huh. I don't why she hates me when you're the one who fondled her breasts.  
  
ELAINE  
  
Me? Hey, you're the one who begged me to go in the sauna and spy on her.   
  
And I didn't fondle them. They broke my fall.   
  
If it wasn't for Sidra's twin airbags I'd have broken my neck.  
  
KRAMER ENTERS.  
  
KRAMER  
  
Hey, put the tv on. There's a program I wanna watch.  
  
JERRY  
  
What's wrong with your tv?  
  
KRAMER  
  
Nothing. I like yours better.  
  
ELAINE  
  
What's on?  
  
KRAMER  
  
The Gonzo Goofball Hour.  
  
ELAINE  
  
Ugh! That rubbish. It's just a bunch of Frat boys playing practical jokes on people.  
  
TV ON.  
  
TV  
  
VOIVEOVER  
  
Today on the Gonzo Goofball hour - we glue a nickel to the sidewalk and see if any New Yorker's are cheap enough to try and pick it up. And whaddua ya know - here's a cheap schuck now.  
  
GEORGE  
  
Hey, that's me!  
  
TV SHOWS FOOTAGE OF GEORGE VAINLY TRYING TO CLAIM THE NICKEL  
  
VO  
  
Boy, this guy's really desperate! Look at him go! If you're watching this fella - c'mon down to the studio and the Gonzo Goofball Hour will give ya that nickel - plus 500 dollars for being the cheapest man in New York!  
  
KRAMER  
  
Well all right. George, you just made 500 smackeroos.  
  
JERRY  
  
You're not seriously going to collect the money?  
  
GEORGE  
  
Why not? You heard the man. That money's mine.  
  
ELAINE  
  
George, they just humiliated you on national tv. They called you the cheapest man in New York.  
  
GEORGE  
  
I have one word for you, my friends. Nom de plume.  
  
JERRY  
  
That's three words.  
  
GEORGE  
  
Whatever.  
  
I won't reveal my identity. I'll tell em I'm someone else - Art Vandelay.  
  
JERRY  
  
Again with the Art Vandelay?  
  
GEORGE  
  
From Palm Springs.  
  
JERRY  
  
Why Palm Springs?  
  
GEORGE  
  
I always wanted to tell people I was from Palm Springs. My entire life I've been little Georgie Costanza from Queens. What can it hurt?  
  
ELAINE  
  
That's your plan? Oh boy.  
  
GEORGE  
  
Oh ye of little faith.  
  
***  
  
INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT. NIGHT.  
  
JERRY and DR RIA are SNOGGING on the couch.  
  
RIA  
  
Hmmm! If my patients could see me now - canoodling with the enemy.  
  
JERRY  
  
Shocked, huh?  
  
RIA   
  
Shocked? They'd blow every synapse in their brains!  
  
JERRY  
  
I'm pretty close to overload myself.  
  
THEY SNOG. RIA pulls away.  
  
RIA  
  
Wait. I've got something to show you. I'll think you'll get a kick out of it.  
  
RIA takes a JERRY DOLL from her purse. A small DOLL that looks uncannily like JERRY.  
  
RIA  
  
Cute, huh? I use it in my therapy classes. It helps to focus my patient's minds on the source of their problem.  
  
JERRY  
  
You mean they stick pins in me?  
  
RIA  
  
Silly! It's not a voodoo doll. Do I look like a witch doctor to you?  
  
JERRY  
  
No, but....  
  
RIA  
  
I've freaked you out, haven't I? God, I'm so stupid.  
  
JERRY  
  
It's okay. It's just kinda...  
  
RIA  
  
Here, I'll take your mind off it.  
  
THEY RESUME SNOGGING. OUT OF THE CORNER OF JERRY'S EYE HE SEES THE JERRY DOLL, STARING BACK AT HIM.  
  
***  
  
INT. MONKS.  
  
JERRY, GEORGE AND KRAMER. BETWEEN THEM ON THE TABLE IS THE JERRY DOLL.  
  
GEORGE  
  
All her patient's have one?  
  
JERRY  
  
Uh huh.  
  
GEORGE  
  
What - they stick pins in you?   
  
GEORGE POKES THE DOLL'S EYES.   
  
Can you feel that?  
  
JERRY  
  
It's not a voodoo doll, George.  
  
KRAMER  
  
Is it anatomically correct?  
  
JERRY  
  
What d'you think?  
  
KRAMER  
  
Well, I'm asking you.  
  
JERRY  
  
Take a look.  
  
KRAMER  
  
I don't wanna take a look!  
  
JERRY  
  
I'm pleased to hear it.  
  
ELAINE ENTERS.  
  
ELAINE  
  
Hey, you got a Jerry doll. I've got one.  
  
GEORGE  
  
You've got a Jerry Doll?  
  
JERRY  
  
Where'd you get it?  
  
ELAINE  
  
Your shrink girlfriend gave me it. She found out I dated you.  
  
GEORGE  
  
You stick pins in it?  
  
JERRY  
  
George...  
  
ELAINE  
  
Nah. I prop you at the end of my bed. So you can watch me and Puddy have sex.  
  
JERRY  
  
Are you crazy?  
  
ELAINE  
  
Relax. I'm joking.You're gathering dust in a cupboard with my old Barbie dolls.   
  
Hey, your shrink pal even invited me to one of her therapy classes.  
  
JERRY  
  
You're not gonna go?  
  
ELAINE  
  
Oh yeah, like I'm gonna blow 100 bucks an hour to hear your exes moan about what a louse you are with women.  
  
JERRY  
  
I'm not a louse with women.  
  
ELAINE  
  
Yeah, right.  
  
JERRY  
  
I'm not!  
  
ELAINE  
  
Hey, I'm agreeing with you.  
  
JERRY  
  
You could be less sarcastic about it.  
  
KRAMER  
  
This shrink's got quite a scam going with these dolls.  
  
JERRY  
  
How'd you mean?  
  
KRAMER  
  
You should get a percentage. It's your face, Jerry. There's licencing laws.Royalties.  
  
ELAINE  
  
Yeah. I read about it somewhere. Image rights.  
  
KRAMER  
  
What's the population of China?  
  
ELAINE  
  
2 billion, give or take.  
  
KRAMER  
  
Suppose 1 percent of Chinese buy a Jerry doll. 60 cents royalty. What's that worth?  
  
ELAINE  
  
12 million dollars.  
  
KRAMER  
  
oh yeah. Then there's the Indian market. AfricA. Europe. Pacific rim...We'll make a fortune.  
  
JERRY  
  
We? What's this we?  
  
KRAMER  
  
Oh so that's how it is, huh, Jerry? You get a few million in your pocket suddenly you don't want to know your friends. Shame on you.  
  
JERRY  
  
What millions? This doll hasn't made me a dime.  
  
KRAMER  
  
What you need is a business manager.  
  
JERRY  
  
You got anyone in mind?  
  
KRAMER  
  
You're looking at him, buddy.  
  
JERRY  
  
You? What business experience have you got?  
  
KRAMER  
  
Hey,I was CEO of Kramerica industries. I know high finance.  
  
JERRY  
  
Okay, what the hell. You can be my business manager.  
  
KRAMER  
  
Giddyup, buddy. (LEAVES)  
  
JERRY  
  
Where you going?  
  
KRAMER  
  
I got calls to make. Deals to wheel. Palms to grease.  
  
ELAINE  
  
You didn't finish your breakfast, Alan Greenspan.  
  
KRAMER  
  
Breakfast is for wimps. (LEAVES)  
  
GEORGE  
  
I better be going too. Gonna pick up my 500 bucks from the tv station.  
  
ELAINE  
  
You're not seriously going down there?  
  
GEORGE  
  
Not me, Elaine. Art Vandelay of Palm Springs.  
  
ELAINE  
  
Oh boy.  
  
***  
  
INT. TV STATION.  
  
GEORGE  
  
Excuse me. The Gonzo Goofball Show? The front desk told me to come here.  
  
LARRY  
  
That's right, pal. Hey - you're the cheap guy with the nickel. Hey, Joey! It's the bald guy with the nickel.  
  
JOEY  
  
Man, we didn't expect you'd have ther nerve to show your face here.  
  
GEORGE  
  
You said something about 500 dollars?  
  
LARRY  
  
Sure sure. What's your name, pal?  
  
GEORGE  
  
Vandelay. Art Vandelay.  
  
LARRY  
  
Well Art, how'd you like to appear on Tv?  
  
GEORGE  
  
On tv? I never appeared on tv before. Apart from, y'know, the nickel thing.  
  
JOEY  
  
Yeah. Great gag, huh? I thought of that.  
  
LARRY  
  
That's a Harvard education for you. You from New York, Artie?  
  
GEORGE  
  
Palm Springs.  
  
JOEY  
  
Ok, Art, we just need you to sign this waiver.  
  
GEORGE  
  
Waiver?  
  
JOEY  
  
It allows us to use your image on Tv. A legal formality.Not a big deal.  
  
GEORGE  
  
And then I get my money?  
  
LARRY  
  
Absolutely. And we'd like you to put this t shirt on.  
  
T SHIRT READS 'CHEAPEST MAN IN NEW YORK'  
  
GEORGE DONS T SHIRT.  
  
JOEY  
  
Let's get a camera here. Ok, Artie, I want you to say to camera 'Hi I'm Art Vandelay.   
  
I'm the Cheapest Man in New York. I claim my 500 bucks.' Think you can do that?  
  
GEORGE  
  
Sure.  
  
JOEY  
  
Right. Roll camera.  
  
GEORGE  
  
Hi, I'm Art Vandelay. I'm the Cheapest Man in New York. I claim my 500 bucks.  
  
LARRY  
  
Now bark the National Anthem.  
  
GEORGE  
  
What?  
  
LARRY  
  
Bark the National Anthem.   
  
GEORGE  
  
I don't think---  
  
LARRY  
  
Start barking, baldie, or no 500 bucks.  
  
GEORGE  
  
Oh say can you woof! By the woof! woof! woof! woof!  
  
LARRY  
  
Louder, dogboy, louder!  
  
GEORGE  
  
WOOF! WOOF! WOOF! WOOF! Twilights last WOOF! WOOF!  
  
***  
  
CUT TO  
  
INT. NEWMAN'S APARTMENT.  
  
NEWMAN IS WATCHING GEORGE ON TV  
  
NEWMAN  
  
The horror. The horror.  
  
***  
  
CUT TO  
  
GEORGE'S PARENTS HOUSE  
  
ESTELLE IS WATCHING GEORGE ON TV.  
  
ESTELLE  
  
Frank! Frank! Georgie's on the television.  
  
FRANK  
  
George is on tv? What's he doing on tv?  
  
ESTELLE  
  
He's wearing a shirt that says 'Cheapest Man in New York'. And he's barking the Star Spangled Banner. I'm so proud.  
  
***  
  
CUT TO  
  
GEORGE'S LATE FIANCEE SUSAN'S PARENTS HOUSE.  
  
THEY ARE WATCHING GEORGE ON TV.  
  
FATHER  
  
Isn't that Susan's fiancee?  
  
MOTHER  
  
I thought his name was Costanza, not Vandelay.  
  
FATHER  
  
It's him alright. (BEAT) To think he could have been our son in law.  
  
***  
  
INT. OFFICE OF CEO, TOY COMPANY.  
  
KRAMER IS SPIELING THE JERRY DOLL.  
  
CEO  
  
You call this the Jerry doll? What does he do, Mr Kramer? Does he have a super power?  
  
KRAMER  
  
Jerry's a stand up comedian.  
  
CEO  
  
I see. And this Business Plan. It just doesn't make any sense. It appears to be a list of countries from A to Z. Beginning with Australia and ending with Zanzibar. It's as if you typed it straight out of a geography textbook.  
  
KRAMER  
  
Well, y'know, I'm just trying to catch an even break.  
  
CEO  
  
I'm sorry, Mr Kramer, but I'm going to have to pass on the Jerry doll. However, here's some free advice. The doll might be more marketable if he was part of a family. The Simpsons, for instance, are huge sellers. There's Homer and Marge. Bart and Lisa. As a successful franchise they're hard to beat. And of course you maximise your profit margin.  
  
***  
  
INT. MONKS  
  
JERRY AND ELAINE  
  
JERRY  
  
You see George on tv?  
  
ELAINE  
  
You kidding? Everyone at Peterman's is talking about it. I think half the city saw it.  
  
JERRY  
  
My parents rang from Florida. Even they caught it and all they watch is Kojak reruns.  
  
GEORGE ENTERS. HE'S WEARING A BASEBALL CAP AND SUNGLASSES.  
  
JERRY  
  
Well well, if it isn't Rin Tin Tin. What's with the sunglasses? It's the middle of winter.  
  
GEORGE  
  
It's a disguise. People keep recognising me from that dumb show.   
  
They throw nickels and ask me to bark.  
  
JERRY  
  
You see what's happened, Georgie boy. You've become a celebrity.  
  
ELAINE  
  
George a celebrity? You can become a celebrity just by going on tv and making a jackass of yourself?  
  
JERRY  
  
It's the American way. Why bother to create something new and original when you can bellyflop in custard and become a star.  
  
ELAINE  
  
At least you got your 500 bucks.  
  
GEORGE  
  
Not any more. I gave it to Kramer.  
  
JERRY  
  
You did what? Kramer? Are you crazy?  
  
GEORGE  
  
He said he could double it in a few days. He's got this surefire business deal.  
  
JERRY  
  
George, the only way Kramer could double your money is if he folded it in half.  
  
KRAMER ARRIVES. SITS DOWN.  
  
GEORGE  
  
Kramer, I changed my mind. I want my money back.  
  
KRAMER  
  
Too late, buddy. I invested it.  
  
KRAMER PUTS 3 DOLLS ON THE TABLE. A JERRY DOLL, AN ELAINE DOLL AND A GEORGE DOLL.  
  
GEORGE  
  
You made us into dolls? With my money?  
  
KRAMER  
  
Uh huh. This is the Jerry family. Husband Jerry. Wife Elaine. And their 8 year old son, George.  
  
GEORGE  
  
My doll's 8 years old? Then how come I'm still bald? How many bald 8 year olds you see running around?  
  
ELAINE  
  
Kramer, the Elaine doll seems kinda flat chested...  
  
KRAMER  
  
Oh yeah. See, Elaine, I didn't have the cash for a proper female doll.   
  
So I just fitted an Elaine head on a Jerry doll body.  
  
ELAINE  
  
What! You mean Elaine has a man's body? Oh my god, Elaine's a transvestite!  
  
JERRY  
  
My wife's a transvestite, our 8 year old son's bald. Kramer, this isn't a family - it's a freak show!  
  
ELAINE  
  
Who would even buy these things?  
  
RALPH, A FRAT BOY TYPE, PASSES THE BOOTH. HE RECOGNISES GEORGE.  
  
RALPH  
  
Hey, you're the guy from the Gonzo Goofball hour - the cheapskate who barks.  
  
GEORGE  
  
No, I'm not. (DUCKS BEHIND A MENU)  
  
RALPH  
  
(NOTICES THE GEORGE DOLL) Hey, cool action figure. Does it bark?  
  
GEORGE  
  
Oh God!  
  
KRAMER  
  
Nope. But the arms and legs move.  
  
RALPH  
  
Cool! They for sale? I'll buy it.  
  
JERRY  
  
Really?  
  
RALPH  
  
Sure. I love that show. Everyone on campus loves that show. Tell ya what, gimme a dozen.   
  
KRAMER  
  
You got it, buddy. How many Jerry and Elaine dolls you want?  
  
RALPH  
  
Nah, just the dogboy. Woof! Woof! Cracks me up, man!  
  
GEORGE  
  
Oh God!  
  
***  
  
INT. OUTSIDE KRAMER'S APARTMENT.  
  
A WELL DRESSED LAWYER KNOCKS ON THE DOOR.  
  
KRAMER ANSWERS. HE'S SMOKING A CIGAR. BUSINESS IS OBVIOUSLY GOOD.  
  
ATTORNEY  
  
Mr Kramer? Mr Cosmo Kramer?  
  
KRAMER  
  
That's right, buddy.  
  
ATTORNEY  
  
I'm Mason D. Weiss. Attorney of law. I'm here about the George doll.  
  
KRAMER  
  
Hey I hear ya, buddy. Listen, I'm gonna tell you what I told everyone else wants to get hold of the George doll. I got the sweatshops in Taiwan working round the clock. 24-7. People can't get enough of that cute little guy! How many cases you want? I can let you have 100 at cost. My best offer.  
  
ATTORNEY  
  
You misunderstand me, Mr Kramer. I'm the attorney representing Art Vandelay and the Gonzo Goofball Hour tv show. I'm afraid you owe my clients a great deal of money.  
  
KRAMER DOES A COMIC DOUBLE TAKE, COLLAPSING ON THE FLOOR.  
  
ATTORNEY  
  
Mr Kramer? Are you all right?  
  
***  
  
INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT.  
  
THE ENTIRE GANG.  
  
GEORGE  
  
You gave all our money to Art Vandelay's attorney?  
  
KRAMER  
  
Every last cent. Man, just when business was going great. The George doll was really taking off. I was getting orders from out of state. The demographics were amazing. We were really milking the 18-30 market. I was getting ready to franchise out. Two months and we'd have been on Easy street. Then - POW! - it all went up in smoke.  
  
GEORGE  
  
But how can Art Vandelay have an attorney? He doesn't exist. He's a figment of my imagination.  
  
KRAMER  
  
It's the contract you signed to appear on tv. It validated Art Vandelay's existence and gives him the image rights. People buy the George doll under the impression it's Art Vandelay.  
  
GEORGE  
  
So Art Vandelay gets rich and George Costanza gets screwed!  
  
KRAMER  
  
No, George Costanza gets sued.  
  
JERRY  
  
Why is George being sued?  
  
KRAMER  
  
For impersonating George Costanza.  
  
GEORGE  
  
I impersonated George Costanza? Who am I if I'm not me?  
  
KRAMER  
  
You're Art Vandelay. George Costanza plagiarised Art Vandelay so Art Vandelay's suing you.  
  
GEORGE  
  
I'm suing myself? This is insane!  
  
KRAMER  
  
It's litigation, buddy.  
  
GEORGE  
  
There's a difference?  
  
JERRY  
  
I'll bet you wish now you'd stayed in Palm springs, huh, Art?  
  
ELAINE LAUGHS  
  
GEORGE  
  
You find this funny, Elaine?  
  
ELAINE  
  
No, no. Sorry. It's just that - you're Art Vandelay, right?  
  
GEORGE  
  
In a manner of speaking.  
  
ELAINE  
  
So what's stopping you from going to the tv station and claiming your money?  
  
JERRY  
  
That's right. They believe you're Art Vandelay. You even signed a contract.   
  
Who's to say you are who you say you aren't?  
  
GEORGE  
  
Yes? Yes. Yes! Screw George Costanza. I'm Art Vandelay.   
  
Hear that? I'm rich, baby, I'm rich!  
  
GEORGE HURRIES OUT.  
  
KRAMER'S IN PURSUIT.  
  
KRAMER  
  
Hey, George, wait up. Let me be your business manager. C'mon, man, I'm begging you! Please!  
  
JERRY  
  
Think it'll work out?  
  
ELAINE  
  
Are you kidding? The lawyer's will eat 'em both for breakfast.  
  
ABRUPTLY, JERRY DOUBLES OVER IN PAIN.  
  
ELAINE  
  
Jerry! Are you okay? What's wrong?  
  
JERRY  
  
My stomach. I felt this sudden sharp pain like someone stuck a knife in me.  
  
ELAINE  
  
Do you want an aspirin? A doctor?  
  
JERRY  
  
Let me sit down a minute.  
  
***  
  
CUT TO  
  
INT. NEWMAN'S APARTMENT.  
  
NEWMAN HAS GOT HOLD OF A JERRY DOLL AND IS TWISTING A CORKSCREW THROUGH THE STOMACH.  
  
NEWMAN  
  
What's the matter, Seinfeld? Feeling a little...screwy? Ha! Ha! Ha!  
  
NEWMAN CACKLES WITH LAUGHTER.  
  
***  
  
THE END  
  
***  
  
AUTHORS NOTES  
  
I presume the nickel is still part of American currency?   
  
If not, apologies. I'm British.  
  
The Gonzo Goofball Hour is based on a British tv show called  
  
'Wudja Cudja', which encourages people to debase themselves  
  
for money. If the format hasn't reached Europe or the States yet  
  
it can only be a matter of time. We live in the age of the   
  
lowest common denominator.  
  
***  
  
Enjoy the script? Post a review at fanfiction.net  
  
And check out my other stuff  
  
*** 


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